To be Cherished

What it is to be in love, not just to love but to be in love.  It is a magical feeling, and if you have it you are among the blessed.  If we do not consider ourselves among the blessed, then how do we find ourselves a way to be in that right relationship?  It is a dream of mine to cherish and be cherished--may I say or even think the word unconditionally, or is that too much?  I have not felt loved for so very long that I wonder whether it is among the possibilities.

There is an old french saying, and it goes something like this:  "Love, she can burn and she can last.  But she cannot do both."

I would treasure the thought that there is someone who would blow my socks off.  Here it goes, dare I say it, I want this so much that I don't know whether to even ask for it.  But oh my goodness, I long to know if that will ever be in my life again.  I want to feel that amazing hunger where you just can't get enough of the scent of his skin, oh yes, this will be bliss when next I stumble upon it.   

Stop and Smell the Flowers

I ask myself with some regularity why do I feel that I need to rush?

It seems to me that everyone is in some kind of rush, whether it be rushing to meet someone, rushing to eat so that we can rush to get to our next appointment, so that we can rush to see if we can find another way to save money in this crazy marketplace of downturn and, shall we say in a whisper, a depression?  Phew!  What I'm really getting at is that everyone is in such a rush and feeling in such a hurry to get somewhere and when we get there we realize that we've spent our finite time on this planet hurrying and scurrying.

I ask myself at this juncture what is it all about (like that Alfie song some of you might remember)?  Am I achieving anything by rushing?  Or am I just feeling like I'm achieving something because I'm rushing to get there, when I'm not even sure of where I'm going.

How about if we stop and smell the proverbial flowers--oh yes and I do love gardenias :)--and recognize that we are already just exactly where we need to be.  These words may be profound enough for me to attempt to follow my own advice.  :)  

Stop and breath deeply of your favorite scented flower.

Aloha, Tara

The Ups and Downs I Must Endure

I am feeling a mixture of glee for having met 9 wonderful ladies that could potentially decorate my life in a whole new way. These are things that I am very pleased about and therefore I am also very, very thankful.

On the other hand I remain frustrated at the pain that is yanking at my feet every second of the day. I want to have more mind control so that I can forgo thinking about the pain and instead slot the pain into a different place, so that I don't have to think about it 24/7.

I nonetheless feel like breaking down and weeping because I have so much to deal with, but for the agony of the neuropathy and all that comes with it I at times don't know how I can go another day or month or year, etc. 

The addition of the Sjogren's syndrome is all a big pile of caca. It's just so damn hard and there are times that I think that I am going to find the means to end this game. And then I think about my wonderful children, whom I adore more than life itself, so there I go in the midst of what should I do...then there's the realization that there's nothing that I can do, but go on and pray that my spouse does not make life more difficult. 

On Losing a Loved One

In my belief system I find it extremely difficult to imagine and even empathize with someone who has recently lost a loved one.  Every time I have tried to console someone, I have found myself in a bale of tears.  

I so deeply wish to hold those people that are hurting, so to take away the pain.  However, there is beauty in the pain, if you spend time looking at it that way.  I believe that there is beauty because in my life I have known much pain and have had to really get down and deep with it until I realized that I am one with that pain.  It really doesn't kill me, it offers me a lesson on life and its longevity.  

Basically, none of us are going to get out of this life alive.  And that is how it was designed originally by our God in heaven.  

In the past, I have felt myself tongue-tied when I was really striving to help someone who was grieving.  Unfortunately, what I have always ended up doing is crying so hard and that I needed to have the other person console me instead of me consoling them.  

I really don't have an answer to this question.  I merely have heart-felt pain for those who are suffering so.  In the final analysis, I think that none of us has a good answer for how to be or how to think, whether to laugh or to cry, to bang a pot or to yell to the mountains that THIS LADY LIVED! 

  

Honor and Truth

Without honor you have nothing. This has been my belief system, which has become my staff and my shield that I have come to live by. 

I am so enraptured by truth and what it means to me, as well as what it means to everyone in their own individualized way.  I once did a paper when I was at UCLA in my sophomore year and it was by far and away the best paper I have ever written.  The reason for it being the best in my belief is that it was the most utterly life changing bit of prose that I've ever written.

I might add that I did receive an A+ for that incredibly insightful piece of work.  In summing it up, it truly became a way of life that I have followed through all the years of my life.  It was huge : )

Lovely to be Mentally Exhausted

How lovely to be completely mentally exhausted. What it is I would like to say this afternoon is that it is wonderful to be tired out from learning so much. These past few days have been incredibly tiresome, yet exhilarating. I am delighted that I have had the opportunity to meet several lovely women that may help me decorate my blog in the future.

How it will be decorated, we are going to discover in the next few months. How exciting could that be? Answer: "As exciting as I want it to be!" I want it to be a thrill in whatever way it flows out. 

The sense of satisfaction I feel when I accomplish a rather difficult task is wonderful because I know that I have come such a long way since I had the stroke. The stroke is the bane of my existence. And I wish to have it take a lesser part of my day with all of its incredibly difficult and shitty things that are interwoven in it. 

What I want is the boon of my existence to be how I let my fingers out on all sides and say, "Hurrah, I'm alive and I've made it through." This is the way that I want to finish out my days, hand and hand with my best friend. And a smile and a wink for the greatness of this life, such as it is. When I open my fingers to grasp the air above me and take in a gulp of fresh air and say, "Hurrah!" And, so it is...

Sjogren's Syndrome

As for the latest and definitely not the greatest information regarding my ever changing health issues---I have now been diagnosed with Sjogren's Syndrome. I now understand what I have been fighting all of these years. What I'm having to deal with is incredibly difficult. Some of those things that I have been dealing with are; dry nose, massively dry mouth, dry skin, extremely painful peripheral polyneuropathy, and electric shooting pains that feel like I'm sitting in an electric chair.

There are so very many symptoms to mention and these are just a few. I now need to carry with me a squirt bottle of saliva stimulant, which tastes like sh.t. 

There is a medication that I can choose to use or not. It's called Plaquenil. Obviously, there is a lot more that I could say about this, but at this point in time, I shed yet another tear due to the ever mounting frustration with what has become of my life.

If any of you out there have any kind words to pass my way or great jokes,  please send them to me and I will look very forward to reading your comments. Please note that I still have the most wicked sense of humor. : )

Sending loads of aloha, Tara.