Saturday, May 30, 2009

To be Cherished

What it is to be in love, not just to love but to be in love.  It is a magical feeling, and if you have it you are among the blessed.  If we do not consider ourselves among the blessed, then how do we find ourselves a way to be in that right relationship?  It is a dream of mine to cherish and be cherished--may I say or even think the word unconditionally, or is that too much?  I have not felt loved for so very long that I wonder whether it is among the possibilities.

There is an old french saying, and it goes something like this:  "Love, she can burn and she can last.  But she cannot do both."

I would treasure the thought that there is someone who would blow my socks off.  Here it goes, dare I say it, I want this so much that I don't know whether to even ask for it.  But oh my goodness, I long to know if that will ever be in my life again.  I want to feel that amazing hunger where you just can't get enough of the scent of his skin, oh yes, this will be bliss when next I stumble upon it.   

Stop and Smell the Flowers

I ask myself with some regularity why do I feel that I need to rush?

It seems to me that everyone is in some kind of rush, whether it be rushing to meet someone, rushing to eat so that we can rush to get to our next appointment, so that we can rush to see if we can find another way to save money in this crazy marketplace of downturn and, shall we say in a whisper, a depression?  Phew!  What I'm really getting at is that everyone is in such a rush and feeling in such a hurry to get somewhere and when we get there we realize that we've spent our finite time on this planet hurrying and scurrying.

I ask myself at this juncture what is it all about (like that Alfie song some of you might remember)?  Am I achieving anything by rushing?  Or am I just feeling like I'm achieving something because I'm rushing to get there, when I'm not even sure of where I'm going.

How about if we stop and smell the proverbial flowers--oh yes and I do love gardenias :)--and recognize that we are already just exactly where we need to be.  These words may be profound enough for me to attempt to follow my own advice.  :)  

Stop and breath deeply of your favorite scented flower.
Aloha, Tara

Friday, May 22, 2009

The Ups and Downs I Must Endure

I am feeling a mixture of glee for having met 9 wonderful ladies that could potentially decorate my life in a whole new way. These are things that I am very pleased about and therefore I am also very, very thankful.

On the other hand I remain frustrated at the pain that is yanking at my feet every second of the day. I want to have more mind control so that I can forgo thinking about the pain and instead slot the pain into a different place, so that I don't have to think about it 24/7.

I nonetheless feel like breaking down and weeping because I have so much to deal with, but for the agony of the neuropathy and all that comes with it I at times don't know how I can go another day or month or year, etc. 

The addition of the Sjogren's syndrome is all a big pile of caca. It's just so damn hard and there are times that I think that I am going to find the means to end this game. And then I think about my wonderful children, whom I adore more than life itself, so there I go in the midst of what should I do...then there's the realization that there's nothing that I can do, but go on and pray that my spouse does not make life more difficult. 

On Losing a Loved One

In my belief system I find it extremely difficult to imagine and even empathize with someone who has recently lost a loved one.  Every time I have tried to console someone, I have found myself in a bale of tears.  

I so deeply wish to hold those people that are hurting, so to take away the pain.  However, there is beauty in the pain, if you spend time looking at it that way.  I believe that there is beauty because in my life I have known much pain and have had to really get down and deep with it until I realized that I am one with that pain.  It really doesn't kill me, it offers me a lesson on life and its longevity.  

Basically, none of us are going to get out of this life alive.  And that is how it was designed originally by our God in heaven.  

In the past, I have felt myself tongue-tied when I was really striving to help someone who was grieving.  Unfortunately, what I have always ended up doing is crying so hard and that I needed to have the other person console me instead of me consoling them.  

I really don't have an answer to this question.  I merely have heart-felt pain for those who are suffering so.  In the final analysis, I think that none of us has a good answer for how to be or how to think, whether to laugh or to cry, to bang a pot or to yell to the mountains that THIS LADY LIVED! 


Honor and Truth

Without honor you have nothing. This has been my belief system, which has become my staff and my shield that I have come to live by. 

I am so enraptured by truth and what it means to me, as well as what it means to everyone in their own individualized way.  I once did a paper when I was at UCLA in my sophomore year and it was by far and away the best paper I have ever written.  The reason for it being the best in my belief is that it was the most utterly life changing bit of prose that I've ever written.

I might add that I did receive an A+ for that incredibly insightful piece of work.  In summing it up, it truly became a way of life that I have followed through all the years of my life.  It was huge : )

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Lovely to be Mentally Exhausted

How lovely to be completely mentally exhausted. What it is I would like to say this afternoon is that it is wonderful to be tired out from learning so much. These past few days have been incredibly tiresome, yet exhilarating. I am delighted that I have had the opportunity to meet several lovely women that may help me decorate my blog in the future.

How it will be decorated, we are going to discover in the next few months. How exciting could that be? Answer: "As exciting as I want it to be!" I want it to be a thrill in whatever way it flows out. 

The sense of satisfaction I feel when I accomplish a rather difficult task is wonderful because I know that I have come such a long way since I had the stroke. The stroke is the bane of my existence. And I wish to have it take a lesser part of my day with all of its incredibly difficult and shitty things that are interwoven in it. 

What I want is the boon of my existence to be how I let my fingers out on all sides and say, "Hurrah, I'm alive and I've made it through." This is the way that I want to finish out my days, hand and hand with my best friend. And a smile and a wink for the greatness of this life, such as it is. When I open my fingers to grasp the air above me and take in a gulp of fresh air and say, "Hurrah!" And, so it is...

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Sjogren's Syndrome

As for the latest and definitely not the greatest information regarding my ever changing health issues---I have now been diagnosed with Sjogren's Syndrome. I now understand what I have been fighting all of these years. What I'm having to deal with is incredibly difficult. Some of those things that I have been dealing with are; dry nose, massively dry mouth, dry skin, extremely painful peripheral polyneuropathy, and electric shooting pains that feel like I'm sitting in an electric chair.

There are so very many symptoms to mention and these are just a few. I now need to carry with me a squirt bottle of saliva stimulant, which tastes like sh.t. 

There is a medication that I can choose to use or not. It's called Plaquenil. Obviously, there is a lot more that I could say about this, but at this point in time, I shed yet another tear due to the ever mounting frustration with what has become of my life.

If any of you out there have any kind words to pass my way or great jokes,  please send them to me and I will look very forward to reading your comments. Please note that I still have the most wicked sense of humor. : )

Sending loads of aloha, Tara.

Matthew's Arrival

I am writing because I am so madly in love with my son, Matthew. He has become an incredible human being. In fact, he is the kind of person that I knew he would always be. He left for the University of Hawaii at Hilo and I cried my eyes out. I felt that I would not see him for far too long. 

And far too long was exactly what it was. If fact, he ended up falling in love with a young lady from Minnesota. My heart is broken and yet I am filled with pride that he has grown to be a caring and intelligent man with empathy for others. I am over the moon that he is learning those essential lessons like how to take care of himself and how to do his laundry and how to feed himself and how to spend 6 months on his own with no one to share anything with. These lessons are so important to me as I believe that you can not love someone else until you really like and enjoy yourself. And I believe that this is what I am seeing in him today.

He left as a kind of teenager and came back to me as a man. And, my God, I can't believe that he is such a great man. Do I sound a tad bit proud, like a mother cackling about her brood? I definitely think that I am over the top about him, but I think that I have so much to be proud of. 

The lady that he has fallen in love with, Katie, is going to the University of Minnesota to be a veteranarian. My son, Matthew, will be a businessman with his major in business. I think that I taught him well, because I said to him, "Matthew, if you want to become wealthy, here are the ways that you can do that. Firstly, you need to major in business." I was surprised by his agreement with me, as he often chose an opposite path from me. 

Here's hoping that Katie turns out to be everything that he was dreaming that she will be. And here's to that beautiful, tall man that he has become. My pride shines like a beacon.

Friday, May 8, 2009

It's about how you look at it

If you want to have a nice day, make a decision that this is what you want. It really is just about making the decision to be happy. For instance, I have many reasons to be sad and teary eyed. Because in my life I have suffered more than anyone could possibly imagine. And yet, I believe that what I really want to be is unincumbered and blissful. Therefore, that is what I will be...blissful and full of life.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Me & My Big Toe

Today I had the wonderful privilege of having half of my toe nail sliced off due to a severe infected in-grown toe nail. The reason why I continue to have such problems is that I have tremendous swelling in my right foot. The really troublesome part of this is that it keeps happening. It seems to be on one foot and then the other and then it happens on the other foot all I can say is yuck! I am sick of all these problems with my feet. On top of that I also am working with just one kidney, which is making my life such a joy!!! :/ ha-ha!! That’s all for today, I hope you found joy hidden between the lines. :)

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Dreams of Santorini

If I had a wish, what I would wish for is to be at sea sailing for the island of Santorini. You may ask why I might choose to visit Santorini, when I live on the beautiful island of Maui. My answer would be that there is no place in the world quite like Santorini. My first trip to Greece was many moons ago...

At Santorini, the ship pulls up to let off the passengers and opens its doors to reveal probably the most exciting place on the planet. Or at least, so I believe. Santorini is full of historical monuments, great hiking trails, gorgeous black beaches and views to die for. 

After you arrive at the dock on Santorini, you are met with easily 100 young boys trying to sell anything from fresh squid to rooms for rent in funky hotels. Once you escape the young boys, you must find a way to get to your room near the top of Santorini. Be ready to open your wallet and pay the necessary drachma to someone who will take you on the journey up, up, up, up, up  the hill to find a room that will hopefully be perched on the side of the hill with an indescribable view. You usually will use a donkey for this journey, which is part of the excitement of Santorini. Make sure you plan a sunset with your favorite beverage on the side of the hill, where most of the views are. 

Santorini is so incredible because of the astounding views it has of the Mediterranean and of the crater in the distance. Once I arrived and unloaded my bags, I got to see the whitewashed walls and the views of Thera or Fira. The volcano blew up and formed a massive caldera. To this day there is still a tiny cloud of smoke rising from the volcano. You can also hike up to the crater. It's very hot and you need the right shoes for this steep volcanic hike. 

There was a small town called Ia. 3000 years ago the people of Ia, also called Oia, made fabulous frescos depicting the everyday life of the people of this time. These frescos were beautifully drawn on the walls of buildings, including the most famous fresco called, "The Fisherman."  When the volcano blew up 3000 years ago, the people obviously had advance notice, because the island was completely vacant. Crete was the new location for the ancient Minoan civilization.

Plato spoke of an island of Atlantis and he believed that the actual location of the island of Atlantis was Santorini.  Jacques Cousteau too believed that the island of Santorini was the location of the lost island of Atlantis. He believed that the eruption of is what covered it up. My fervent hope and plan is to one day return to Santorini and its special magic.