Tuesday, December 30, 2008

To My Brave Golden Haired Boy

There is a little boy that I know so well. He used to be a tiny tot, but now he is not. His name is Matthew. He likes to use the name Matt because it has three less letters he has to write. I vowed that I would never let a day go by without telling him how loved he is and until his departure for college, I have lived up to that promise. Ah ha, however, now there is this thing called Facebook which allows me to continue my promise once made when he was such a little boy with long golden hair and kisses all over his sweet body. Oh how I miss those days! Where did they go? I look at him now as he stands at 6'2'' . All I can say is my boy has grown and I am so proud of that boy that now stands so tall beside me. He will never understand the love that I have for him. He even once said :"stop loving me so much, you love me too much." Someday those same words he will hear again with his own child. They will resound and perhaps he will remember those days gone by where he was loved and kissed and I was able to make him giggle. Oh how I miss those beautiful green eyes and giggly laugh.  Yes my Matthew, you will always be my Matthew even though there are fewer letters in the name Matt you will still and forever be my Matthew who I tickled and giggled with and told you that I loved you everyday of your life. Yes, Matthew, it is the promise I made that I will never let a day go by without reminding you of how much you are loved. 

 Now it's your turn to find the lovely future mother and have your own children that you will love and make giggle just the way I did with you. Please make sure you show them the patience that you were rewarded with just for being you, and indeed you were in need of much patience! 

Oh my Gosh, my sweet little green eyed tower of bravery who I promised that I would love everyday and so I have even through times where you scared the life out of me and the doctors but you even then showed your bravery and always always always I just loved you my sweet little green eyed love. I love you Matthew. 

I heard that you were out braving the snow at the top of Mauna Loa and I hope that you are finding that joyous time that can be so rare when life gets moving so fast. 

I wish you all the love, joy, laughter, and all that God gave to you that you must now remember so that you can pass on those lovely days of getting tickled by your mom and loved and cuddled and forever told how much you mean to me. May your life be filled with joy, grip onto it my son, take it, hold onto it and never be afraid to love. Matthew, oh how you are loved. I write you this with what you would expect, tears in my eyes. But remember, that's one way of knowing how much somebody cares for you. To my little golden haired, silly boy who I love with all my heart. Love, Mom.   

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Love of Laughter

Now that we've gotten to know each other a little better, I want to bring back the laughter and the silliness that is more of who I really am instead of just the sad lady who lost a lot and has fought for her life back and is slowly gaining it back again. This is how I want my children to think of me when they read this ten years on or twenty years on. I want them to see who Mom really was AND still is. The vibrant, happy go lucky lady who loves to laugh. My laughter is like the hallmark of my personality and how I desire to be remembered  forever and ever. ☺
The laughter that I'm known for with so many I have been kidded about, kind of made fun of, and perhaps even chided for in a tongue and cheek way, but all in good humor I would say. Everyone has always made fun of me since I do laugh a lot- and loudly. Anybody that knows me knows of my love of laughter and I make no apologies for that. I will always be remembered for my funny antics and crazy things that depict my sense of humor. Essentially, laughter is the key to my soul and I love to find humor in most anything and laughter in nearly everything. These are the things that I want to be remembered for.  Anyone who is reading this today will find a chuckle from some crazy or silly or downright dumb thing I have done. But overall, I hope that I will be remembered for my love of life and my  Jua du vivre (Love of Life) those who know French better than I,  please check spelling and get back to me ☺
There are so many things that I would love to comment about at this time. There are such wonderful people that I have known in my life and that I am so blessed to have known. 
Remember how I love to ski and the people that I have taught to ski and the people that I have dived with by snorkeling and by a little bit of scuba diving? Those fortunate (or otherwise) people that found my questionable sense of humor left upon their faces. Those are the things that I would like to be remembered for and not just the things that have happened in the last three to four years. I simply want to restate my love of life that I hope to be known by for many years to come and that maybe some of you might restate a funny memory in response to this blog.☺

Oh God I want my Life Back!

I want to talk about how much I loathe my walker. At first I was excited to use the wheelchair and then I discovered that it was akin to wanting to watch it burn. When the fire was over, I was hoping the whole thing would be over too, like a bad dream. But alas it turned out to be some faulty dream as though someone slipped it in my pocket. And now I have the next dream, and that is learning to use a walker. And I used to think that it would be a nightmare to have to use a cane but in reality I can't even use a cane yet. All my fears used to be born of "Oh my God, I don't ever want to have to use a wheelchair" and now I get to look forward to the almighty walker. Oh, God save me now, I have yet another thing to look forward to, but I'm a long way from it still. I am just now at the place where I can say that I can just begin to use the high speed walker with the hopes and prayers that I won't fall and break my hip again. Oh Lord, no one understands the enormity of what this is but certainly I can tell you what it is not. It is not fun and neither is the cancer that followed. Why Lord? Why me? The last thing I want to do is complain. I want everyone to see my success and yet what I feel is so much pain. My sciatic nerve is out and I thought that once I got the surgery... Oh my God I've had so many surgeries I can't even count them now. Yet I still do not want to sound ungrateful for each day but at the same time I feel like my life was stripped and I don't know how to set it on it's legs again. My life I mean. All I want to do is have my life back again, yes, that is all I want to do is a have my life back again. Where the pain doesn't grip each waking hour and the sadness is not apparent to everyone. These are the things that I pray for but they seem to be always three steps away. And yet I shall not show my sadness. I shall not show the enormity of the pain. What I want to do is have my life again. Oh GOD I LONG TO HAVE MY LIFE BACK AGAIN! Why on Earth did someone take my life away and leave this mess in it's wake? Oh God I want my life back. Oh God, I want my life back. And yet I don't want to sound ungrateful because everyone says I am doing so well, but I sound like a complainer and what I really am is sitting in a very lonely place where no one can really understand, no one but a few, if that. Oh God I want my life back. So I stand here with my walker saddled beside me. I want my life back and my friends back, all the lost friendships, or so it seems. I mean, do they ever come back? Or is this just the way life is? Never to be repeated. Yes, and never to be reinstated. 

Saturday, December 13, 2008

I'm feeling very discouraged and sad. I don't know which way to turn because everything seems to be turning out wrong. I hate to sound negative but negativity seems in abundance. I feel tremendously frustrated. Although I know there are many blessings, and even some are in abundance, at the moment the blessings are hard to find. 
Those around me are challenging me to continue walking yet another step. 
I simply don't know what to do. 
Should I move to the left? Or to the right? Or straight ahead? Yes, there is not one direction that appears to be correct and sadness for me is in abundance. I love to laugh and play heartily and show off the smile that god blessed me with but right now what I feel is tremendous pain in my feet from the neuropathy. And pain is something that is right at my doorstep, at pretty much every turn.
I need to find deliverance from the pain I have and I don't know how to get rid of it.
God, please answer my prayer. I need freedom from the hardships that I have from having a massive stroke, from having my achilles tendon stripped and partially removed, from having my right kidney removed, from the removal of my thyroid and all that these surgeries left me with and without. And so many more things that no one would believe me if I told them. Oh Lord, please give me direction on this day. Thank you. Amen

Don't Forget to Unpack Your Smile

Don't forget to unpack your smile when you travel to wherever you are going this Christmas season. As I was speaking to my mother, who is now in her mid 80's, I realized that she needed to unpack her smile and not only did she need to do that but it was a reminder to me to do the same. There are so many people suffering from monetary losses in this season (myself included) and it is very frustrating and difficult to imagine how quickly money can fly out the door before we even notice that the wind was blowing.  Meanwhile, I'm working at holding strong to my ideals of remaining in good spirits this Christmas season. Lets all remember that a smile is only one little laugh away.  

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I found from a recent animation movie, a bee is not supposed to bee able to fly. 
But it does. As I sit on my lonely bench, I realize how many other things are not supposed to bee what they are. It is fascinating to ponder how many other possibilities are out there that we, as mankind, don't believe can happen.

To me it is a wonderful leap of joy that nature offers us in it's lovely, simple way.  The beauty of the bee buzzing, the sound of snow falling, the ocean waves crashing, and the splendor of a sunrise all give me hope and inspiration for the arrival of another day.

The Delight of a Sunset

I'd like to speak about sunsets and what they mean to me. I have enjoyed the optimism from a sunset view many times. A special man asked me: What do you see or what do you feel when you look at the sunset in the distance? I responded that the sunset brings me joy and a subtle happy feeling that I cannot describe in any other way but that it feels like that warmth of that sunset climbs into my being and rests there so as to remind me that god is always present in and around me at all times. 

He said that if I remember this feeling I will always be a happy person. It is really just as simple as that. If I remember these basic instructions then I will be a delighted and blissful lady.  I send you blessings of this special knowledge on this day and everyday to follow. 

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Life After Stroke Chapter One

Hello, listener, I write to you from the beautiful Island of Maui. In fact, I call it "my Maui" almost as though I have some kind of ownership of her. Silly, I suppose, isn't it? But I am not alone in my daydreams about who many of us call "Mother Maui". And this is a bit of my story.

I had a stroke three years ago and it left me unable to read or write or speak or just about anything at all. If you close your eyes you can try to imagine what it's like to go from a very active person to one who is trying to figure out where her hands, and her feet and her limbs are.

At first it seemed like it was just not that big of a deal. But as time moved along and the healing continued I suddenly realized that my life had no resemblance to the life that I had known for the previous thirty years.  In short what had happened to me was that I was left after having a coma and I didn't really understand anything that I had just been through although I knew that what had happened was major. 

Through time I've realized that nearly all of my friends have disappeared and sadness has become a very constant and lonely friend. Yes, this friend would become my constant companion albeit not the companion of my choice, but the companion of my life. Most people remarked about how well I was doing, how wonderful I looked, and all I could say in response was a nod and "Yeah, sure. Thanks."  As I understand it now, it's very difficult for people to comprehend the enormity of what has happened to me and therefore so very hard to empathize.

In fact, even in the writing of this paragraph I'm noticing how painful it is to go back there and to speak about it as it has been such a long and difficult journey. In a way, I felt like I needed to light candles to find my way out and I am still using that dim light to find my way now.  Truly unbelievable. So you can see that from where I am now, I have really come such a long way. I can now see fairly well, I can speak as though I never had any problems at all, I am very mobile and in fact I am now able to walk and I am even able to use a walker device which is awesome as it has helped me become very mobile. Unfortunately, I still am living in a body that causes me tremendous pain and I still cannot read or write, nor can I see much beyond my immediate self. 

However, I am so very, very blessed to be amongst my family who still really loves and cares for me. 
I will be writing more information in my future blogs as to how my recovery is going and I pray that I will remember all the good things and surround myself with those people who are encouraging, uplifting, supportive, understanding, empathetic, cheerful, and upbeat. ☺

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

So kids (grown and young at heart) are you gettin' ready for the big Day? ✍ Or are you feeling positively overwhelmed by what may seem like a freight train coming  that you will obviously not be ready for? 

Well, all I can tell you is I, Tara, am feeling exactly the same way. I am getting close to feeling completely overwhelmed and positively not ready because it seems that the expectations are so great and I feel that I can't possibly fulfill everyone's dream of their perfect Christmas. 

Well, coming from my side of the fence, I absolutely adore Christmas and all the things that come with it, even though some of the things are possibly "over the top". 

Everybody realizes how overly commercialized Christmas has become and I don't think anybody except for the shop owners want that. But here's what I think about it: Christmas is a time for telling people that we love- that we love them. All in all I think it's awesome that people remember the holiday cheer: the eggnog, the scent of Christmas cookies baking in the oven, beautiful twinkling lights large and small, people's best wishes on the holiday cards, strung popcorn, plump Santas and scrawny ones from those underfed Santas ☺

So, to my blog family, who I hope is taking the journey along with me: Hau ole maka hiki ho, best wishes, Mele kalike maka and best of luck to you on creating the most delightful day imaginable - may it be everything you wish for. 

Friends Come and Go

Friends, oh yes, they come and go. This is something I can truly say I know. They offer much love, laughter, intrigue and compassion. They also tend to offer in their own special way, pain when it's time to go. 
I've had so many friends that have been close to me. We have shared the most intimate details of silly times, sad times, and those moments that will never be whispered with anyone again. 
Friends they come and go. Oh yes, I know how they come and go. I've been hurt, I've felt wounded. In fact I've felt as though I might fall with my knees to the floor and pray that the lord will take me out of this painful position and take me on the silver wings of an angel up up and away to where the land is  filled with the song of the nightingale. 

Yes, oh yes, I do truly know the beauty that lies in the pain of a friendship that has come and been lost. But, all in all, I would say to you: isn't it better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved at all? These words, while they do ring true, do not soothe as though they should. However, when all is said and done, I believe that we have such a small and tender hold on this thing we call life that what we must do is to appreciate every second, every minute, every year that we are so blessed to be given. Amen.