Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Oh God I want my Life Back!


I want to talk about how much I loathe my walker. At first I was excited to use the wheelchair and then I discovered that it was akin to wanting to watch it burn. When the fire was over, I was hoping the whole thing would be over too, like a bad dream. But alas it turned out to be some faulty dream as though someone slipped it in my pocket. And now I have the next dream, and that is learning to use a walker. And I used to think that it would be a nightmare to have to use a cane but in reality I can't even use a cane yet. All my fears used to be born of "Oh my God, I don't ever want to have to use a wheelchair" and now I get to look forward to the almighty walker. Oh, God save me now, I have yet another thing to look forward to, but I'm a long way from it still. I am just now at the place where I can say that I can just begin to use the high speed walker with the hopes and prayers that I won't fall and break my hip again. Oh Lord, no one understands the enormity of what this is but certainly I can tell you what it is not. It is not fun and neither is the cancer that followed. Why Lord? Why me? The last thing I want to do is complain. I want everyone to see my success and yet what I feel is so much pain. My sciatic nerve is out and I thought that once I got the surgery... Oh my God I've had so many surgeries I can't even count them now. Yet I still do not want to sound ungrateful for each day but at the same time I feel like my life was stripped and I don't know how to set it on it's legs again. My life I mean. All I want to do is have my life back again, yes, that is all I want to do is a have my life back again. Where the pain doesn't grip each waking hour and the sadness is not apparent to everyone. These are the things that I pray for but they seem to be always three steps away. And yet I shall not show my sadness. I shall not show the enormity of the pain. What I want to do is have my life again. Oh GOD I LONG TO HAVE MY LIFE BACK AGAIN! Why on Earth did someone take my life away and leave this mess in it's wake? Oh God I want my life back. Oh God, I want my life back. And yet I don't want to sound ungrateful because everyone says I am doing so well, but I sound like a complainer and what I really am is sitting in a very lonely place where no one can really understand, no one but a few, if that. Oh God I want my life back. So I stand here with my walker saddled beside me. I want my life back and my friends back, all the lost friendships, or so it seems. I mean, do they ever come back? Or is this just the way life is? Never to be repeated. Yes, and never to be reinstated. 

1 comment:

LAVA said...

Tara,

I don't have your email, but I wanted to contact you and let you know I am thinking of you and sending A LOT of love to you. Here are some great reminders from the book "The Four Agreements",I hope they help:

"If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want."

"You are never responsible for the actions of others; you are only responsible for you. When you truly understand this, and refuse to take things personally, you can hardly be hurt by the careless comments or actions of others."

"Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completley different world from the one you live in."

Be gentle with yourself and have faith that all the support you need is right here with you now.

Please be in touch,

Lilah
(we spoke on the phone earlier)