Four years later...
What I am dealing with now is the aftermath of the aforementioned events. On the bright side, I can speak as well as I could before: Thank God! I can also walk. Improvements seem slow, but I never really cared much for running anyhow. I plan to be snow skiing in the next couple of years, and spreading good cheer to all those who are less fortunate than I.
What I really think I need to do is let it go and get on with the life that I now have. It's just that the life I now have sucks in comparison to my old one due to a list of continuous infirmities. The worse part is, IT NEVER SHOULD'VE HAPPENED, but, thanks to one bad doctor and a poor excuse for a hospital, it did. Suing is too tough, because in medical malpractice it is nearly impossible to prove unless you have a lot of connections and/or cash, neither of which I have. It has cost me and the insurance companies countless millions already.
It is truly awful, and I have no one offering me the kind of empathy that I feel I need and deserve. It seems that empathy should be the least form of comfort from the people in my family who are aware of the extreme nature of my pain, and yet I am sad to say that I don't receive it. So what I do is take the medications I need to take to have help enduring this awful nightmare that has become my life at least a good portion of the time.
I am still vision impaired, so it cuts to my very soul that I can no longer read and write. The persistent, sharp pains in my feet are like bolts of hot lightening that shock me and at times make me lose my train of thought. I wish that I could say that this was the end of the list, but sadly for me it is not! Let me tell you, this is all really frightening to me.
You see, when you have one autoimmune disorder, you are subject to getting all autoimmune disorders. When the body goes through so much trauma, especially in my case as a woman, it is common for autoimmune disorders to become amplified. My Sjogren's syndrome does nothing other than further aggravate the situation because now my mouth, my nose, and my eyes are terribly dry. My voice is altered depending upon how much moisture is being created. On top of that, in the back of my mind I fear that the malignant cancer that was in my right kidney could return.
It would be remiss to not include the fact that I broke my hip in an unfortunate accident, and not mention, of course, the spasticity in my right side from the massive stroke I had four years ago. Once again, it would be silly if I were to skip mentioning the thyroid near total removal a few years back.
You can image that I thought the worst had been experienced! Ha! Guess again, buzzard breath, I say with tongue in cheek laughter. Gosh, let's see, is that all? Oh, I'm sure I fail to mention that my family looks to me as the head of the household and therefore everyone expects that I will stand up, brush myself off, and say the rehearsed words, "I shall prevail!" and not let this world get me down, meanwhile I really feel like I could crumble at almost any time.
They all think of me as being so strong, but I just shake my head and think, "So strong... yeah." What makes me so strong is the amazing love I have for my two children. It's amazing how much love one can have for their children, while interestingly enough, you're really raising your children to stand on their own feet and leave you at some unannounced time.
I just want to tell my story and not sound like a whiner. So that is my story. Please write on my wall with suggestions about how to deal with the enormity of this, I would love to hear any thoughts you might have.
Aloha nui loa, a hui ho!
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