HEY MAUI! I'M BACK!!

I guess most people that are reading this blog are aware that I had a massive stroke about 4 years ago.  There are so many things that I could say in order to express the enormity of what happened to me in this horrifically challenging time.

One of the things that happened was that I lost most of my hair due to the fact that I was moving my head from left to right, and right to left, left to right and right to left ... with great and increasing speed; so that my hair fell out in crazy clumps.  It must have looked absolutely awful!  For I am one who took a lot of pride in how she looked, with my thick, long, flowing mane.  

What I was left with as I have my earliest memories in my recovery, was a gruesome mess of hair that had been all but stripped out and looked like a sad excuse for a homeless creature.   At the time, my husband left a note on the door of my hospital room asking all people not to say anything to me about what my hair looked like.

You see, everyone knew the pride I had in my hair and my husband knew that I would be nearly destroyed if I were to find out that I was looking like such an urchin.

But that was nearly four years ago and with all of the therapy, both personal and physical; as well as having an attitude for self improvement; I am back!

The therapies I chose to do included strength conditioning, walking, a tremendous amount of lap swimming, working out with a trainer and lifting weights.   Now, I can move mountains!  

I feel very proud of what I have achieved.  Most people would have died.  The only way that I have succeeded is having the attitude of success with no other possibility.  I had nothing else but success in my mind.

As you can see from the picture on this blog; I have a HUGE head of hair, that is thick, long and blonde again.  Who woulda thunk?  ;)

HEY MAUI!  I'M BACK!!

It's Me, Tara; Standing Independently

Something very exciting happened to me this last weekend.  It was the first time in a long time, that I have gone out to a party and visited with a number of my friends from my daughter's school.  

All these people were around at the time when I had the massive stroke on both sides of my brain.  I have spoken to you, my faithful readers, about this before and I have relayed a lot of the sadness that has been connected with this event.

However this time, was so wonderfully different.  The reason for the difference, firstly was that during my daughter's graduation I had actually walked up a flight of stairs on my own!  Yippie!!  This was so exciting to have people turn around and stare at me because they had seen me only in a wheelchair.  

Following the ceremony, the party was in full form.  It was during this time that I surprised myself as well as many other people.  I was actually standing independently, that is without the help of anyone.   This was beyond exciting because of my plans for the future.

My plans for the future include some travel to the Greek Islands, Paris, Venice, the  South of France, Spain...  and several more exciting destinations.  

I can't wait!

Lovely to be Mentally Exhausted

How lovely to be completely mentally exhausted. What it is I would like to say this afternoon is that it is wonderful to be tired out from learning so much. These past few days have been incredibly tiresome, yet exhilarating. I am delighted that I have had the opportunity to meet several lovely women that may help me decorate my blog in the future.

How it will be decorated, we are going to discover in the next few months. How exciting could that be? Answer: "As exciting as I want it to be!" I want it to be a thrill in whatever way it flows out. 

The sense of satisfaction I feel when I accomplish a rather difficult task is wonderful because I know that I have come such a long way since I had the stroke. The stroke is the bane of my existence. And I wish to have it take a lesser part of my day with all of its incredibly difficult and shitty things that are interwoven in it. 

What I want is the boon of my existence to be how I let my fingers out on all sides and say, "Hurrah, I'm alive and I've made it through." This is the way that I want to finish out my days, hand and hand with my best friend. And a smile and a wink for the greatness of this life, such as it is. When I open my fingers to grasp the air above me and take in a gulp of fresh air and say, "Hurrah!" And, so it is...

"The Boy From Bombay"

There are times I feel like I am the proverbial "boy from Bombay" who has no legs nor arms in which to manuvour themselves.  Its kind of like a moment where you can really empathize with those lonely nameless people who live on the streets of Burma, Bangladesh, or Bombay for example.

While I have never been to India, infact I dont know anyone from India,  I have in the past heard of young children begging on the streets of these poor countries.   My heart goes out to all of the impoverished people in the world.  And I don't mean to make light of their plight.  

In any case, I am very blessed to not be among those people who are living with such difficult circumstances.  Although I use them as a description as to how I feel or how I used to feel before I got my super cool walker!  (You  might remember the Blog I wrote that was kind of a silly song. That was because I was so excited to be in control of some wheels again that I wrote a song titled "Me and My Walker.")

Something that I do when I am feeling a little blue is make a silly song out of what I am doing to just bring some levity to the moment.  It works for me sometimes and I offer this as a suggestion to my readers.  

I think it is really important to try to maintain the best attitude you can while going through the difficult moments or months or even years that your bound to have.  In the end it all gets knitted together to become the summary of your life.  It's not what your circumstances are, its what you make of your circumstances.  That is where it comes from.  Remember to not chastise yourself for feeling blue.  Just remember that you have to pick yourself back up and continue on doing your best while keeping your head held high.  It really does work in the long run.  I promise you this, it really does work.

Finding Your Goals

"Just remember that someday you'll be swimming with the turtles again," said my mother when I was in the hospital after having a massive stroke. I had had a massive stroke. That at first had left me in a coma, for a few weeks. And then as the coma lifted I was left with questions. And more questions. Things I didnt understand, things I couldn't understand. Nightmares were common place. Infact I still have memories of those horrible nightmares. Where was I? What had happened to me? Who was I? Who? What? Why? Where? When? I needed all those questions answered, and there was nobody there to answer them, sadly enough. My aspumtion was that the hospital was feeding me so many drugs that I felt like I had become some sort of baboon, so to speak.

So when my mother said that I would be swimming with the turtles again, I rolled my eyes in disbelief. I was thinking there is no way that I can imagine anything but this incredibly sad change in fortune,that had become my life. You see, my mother had absolutely no clue as to what I was going through. At that point in time I could not walk, could not see much at all, could not have any sence of independence, cryed for my lost children, and oh my gosh so much more. The tears were my solice, it seemed they were my only friend. For several hours a day I would cry. My life was over, I thought. I had had a massive stroke.  And along with it everything I knew from my previous life was gone. And in its wake all I had was this inconcevable life which I did not want any part of.

And so it went for many months on end. That I would be stuck in this horrible place of sadness, with no family to buffer the blows I was experiencing.  Kind of like winding up on a deserted Island all alone.  One thing is for sure, I was going through this alone.  And I wanted to die.  

Although I found myself in such distress, in the end it turned out my mother  was right.
I would be swimming with the turtles again.  Infact it turns out that sometime in the next month I will be going to a beach in Kihei named Kavakapu.  It's absolutely pristine, I love it there.    

In light of this, I encourage anybody and really everybody to have the best attitude you can drum up.   In the end this is the only way life will works at its best.  Take kindly what life gives you and remember that its all in how you perceive what is happening not just what you think is happening.  

This Could Be Bliss

There is a subject that I would like to speak about, although it is very difficult for me personally. It is on the topic of pain and the torture that I suffer from it daily and sometimes even hourly. Pain in essence is debilitating. It is difficult for me to write about as I have to deal with pain in such a way that at times it seems as if it is screaming at me. The pain for me is located in my feet and it so loud it is as though someone is screaming in my ear although it is silent. I was so uncomfortable last night I was in tears for hours. My supposition is that it is a very difficult topic for many of my readers out there. I can only imagine that there might be others that also suffer from the dregs of pain and that there are hundreds in my audience that are going through the absolute endurance from the insidious diseases and such that cause misery in all kinds of ways. In essence, I write this to you because I know that there must be quite a few of you that suffer from some similar kind of struggle.

My mission in this Blog that I write for you has a lot to do with the title of my blog which is: iamdelighted. And true it is that I am delighted for so many reasons in spite of the pain.  And here are a few of those reasons: the taste of chocolate ice cream, the scent of a gorgeous gardenia flower, the sound of children's laughter, the feel of my luxurious blanket that keeps me warm, the memories of the first time eating cotton candy or the bliss of your first kiss (hopefully it went well☺), the companionship of a loyal pet, the feeling of freshly brushed teeth, the gift of fruit fresh from the garden, enjoying a great movie and feeling loved just for being you. My prayer for you on this day is that you will experience some (or at least one) of these gifts today or one day very soon. God Bless you and Aloha Nui Loa and  Hui Ho, Tara

Calvary

I believe He must be there for there is no doubt that in His glory He is reaching out and speaking to me. His words, though silent, speak loudly and what I hear is so beautiful  I wish I could put it into words and sing a song of the joyous love he has for us. These are the things I long to share with you this day in every way. On this day I send to you blessings from above. He brings me so much happiness and courage to face those difficult times that no doubt we all struggle with. I personally have dealt with an incredible amount of pain and sorrow in my lonely and quiet times, dealing with so many illnesses, breaks, fractures, cancer and a massive stroke. But I'm here to tell you that through it all the Lord has brought me forward, upward, and out of so many of these difficult times. I can only tell you that it was God, our God, the Lord and he has been true to his word that he is always walking by my side. God Bless You and Aloha, Tara.

I'm feeling very discouraged and sad. I don't know which way to turn because everything seems to be turning out wrong. I hate to sound negative but negativity seems in abundance. I feel tremendously frustrated. Although I know there are many blessings, and even some are in abundance, at the moment the blessings are hard to find. 

Those around me are challenging me to continue walking yet another step. 

I simply don't know what to do. 

Should I move to the left? Or to the right? Or straight ahead? Yes, there is not one direction that appears to be correct and sadness for me is in abundance. I love to laugh and play heartily and show off the smile that god blessed me with but right now what I feel is tremendous pain in my feet from the neuropathy. And pain is something that is right at my doorstep, at pretty much every turn.

I need to find deliverance from the pain I have and I don't know how to get rid of it.

God, please answer my prayer. I need freedom from the hardships that I have from having a massive stroke, from having my achilles tendon stripped and partially removed, from having my right kidney removed, from the removal of my thyroid and all that these surgeries left me with and without. And so many more things that no one would believe me if I told them. Oh Lord, please give me direction on this day. Thank you. Amen

Life After Stroke Chapter One

Hello, listener, I write to you from the beautiful Island of Maui. In fact, I call it "my Maui" almost as though I have some kind of ownership of her. Silly, I suppose, isn't it? But I am not alone in my daydreams about who many of us call "Mother Maui". And this is a bit of my story.

I had a stroke three years ago and it left me unable to read or write or speak or just about anything at all. If you close your eyes you can try to imagine what it's like to go from a very active person to one who is trying to figure out where her hands, and her feet and her limbs are.

At first it seemed like it was just not that big of a deal. But as time moved along and the healing continued I suddenly realized that my life had no resemblance to the life that I had known for the previous thirty years.  In short what had happened to me was that I was left after having a coma and I didn't really understand anything that I had just been through although I knew that what had happened was major. 

Through time I've realized that nearly all of my friends have disappeared and sadness has become a very constant and lonely friend. Yes, this friend would become my constant companion albeit not the companion of my choice, but the companion of my life. Most people remarked about how well I was doing, how wonderful I looked, and all I could say in response was a nod and "Yeah, sure. Thanks."  As I understand it now, it's very difficult for people to comprehend the enormity of what has happened to me and therefore so very hard to empathize.

In fact, even in the writing of this paragraph I'm noticing how painful it is to go back there and to speak about it as it has been such a long and difficult journey. In a way, I felt like I needed to light candles to find my way out and I am still using that dim light to find my way now.  Truly unbelievable. So you can see that from where I am now, I have really come such a long way. I can now see fairly well, I can speak as though I never had any problems at all, I am very mobile and in fact I am now able to walk and I am even able to use a walker device which is awesome as it has helped me become very mobile. Unfortunately, I still am living in a body that causes me tremendous pain and I still cannot read or write, nor can I see much beyond my immediate self. 

However, I am so very, very blessed to be amongst my family who still really loves and cares for me. 

I will be writing more information in my future blogs as to how my recovery is going and I pray that I will remember all the good things and surround myself with those people who are encouraging, uplifting, supportive, understanding, empathetic, cheerful, and upbeat. ☺

The day that I had a stroke and my life changed forever

On this day, I couldn't believe that my life could possibly be changed so utterly and completely. I had a life that was so filled with joy and fun and making money and laughter, only to be thrashed and taken to a different place that I did not recognize. I was in a coma for more than two weeks and did not know where I was or if I was even alive. This was hell. No one even wanted to accept me in a stroke hospital - they treated me as if I was already gone. 

To say the least, this story is a very difficult story to write. Up until now, there are not many people I chose to have listen to this story. In fact, what I have found is that I have lost 9/10 of my very good friends as it seems that no one really knows how to deal with their very good friend who completely lost their life and is now so different. My life was so much fun and was filled with joy and laughter and love and kindness and God and love of life only to be radically thrown in the trash. It feels like my life has become so very sad and I am loathe to share with the world what my life is now.

I came very close to ending my life and my husband came very close to ending it for me. I try to hide my deepest feelings for the sake of my beautiful daughter who does not deserve to know any of this. I only want her to know the Tara that existed prior to the stroke that ripped apart my life at the seams.

And now, two and a half years later, the page is turning. I made the decision to change the way I am dealing with my life and how I'm moving away from the sadness and into the light. The light is where I will find myself and I intend to travel, find the laughter, find the joy, find the peace and find the Lord who gives me my life in such a wonderful way again. I am a WINNER and I am now walking again, I am swimming, I am hoping to be driving soon and have every intention of turning my life into roses without the thorns. I am joy and I am hope and I am love. In all of these things I can hardly wait to see the Arc d' triumph, the statue of David in Firenze and to see the colors that exist in the Greek Islands again. In fact, in the next few weeks, I intend to go free-diving in the ocean off Maui.

HAPPY ?? LILIKOI ?

In this message I want to speak about something that is not really a happy subject but is still a subject that needs to be spoken about. It needs to be spoken about because so very often people really are not comfortable talking about subjects that have something to do with pain and suffering. I happen to be a person who has been left with an incredible disease that has left me having to deal with pain it's indescribable and the medications that I have to take to be able to survive another day in the midst of the pain. Therefore it is not a happy subject and is a subject I don't like to speak about with friends as well as friends don't want to speak to me about it but it is real in fact it's so real that it'd literally transcends everything in my life and leaves me wanting to discontinue this life anymore. Therefore it is a very difficult subject to bring up. It is a difficult subject to talk about. It is a difficult subject to think about. And mostly it is a difficult subject in which I have to live with. Every day of my life it consumes me. How I wish this wernt the case. But reality tells me that it is the case. There are undoubtedly thousands of people who have two live their lives in hiding and in sorrow. Because it is just so difficult and indescribable that I cannot believe that the Lord has left me with such a disease. But he has. And now I must continue my life making the absolute best of it as I possibly can. And this is why I write to you. Because I know there are people who need to know that there are other people who understand what this must be like. I would like to firstly speak about the fact that even with such an disabling disease you can live through it. You can find the medications that are necessary to maintain some semblance of a normal life. I would love to offer my hand to anyone who needs some compassion. I might add that compassion does seem to be in short supply. However I know that compassion is possible with the right personality in the right person to listen to the way you're feeling.  

  

Pain sucks !!!!!!!!

 Pain is something that deserves some some depth and meaning and requires a lot of thought. The the depth of the pain is  name is in something that's hard to describe a and it is something that I will need to does describe at greater length in the blogs to follow  pain is something that is very hard to describe.  I can if I can spit out in one sentence or three and I would like to have the opportunity to  want to want to give this subject matter the time that it requires to two describe it more fully . pain is so hard to deal with and therefore it is next to impossible to describe. the description of pain is is still out there and and deserves to be described in greater length .

So I begin

Hello my name is Tara and I have quite a story to share. I have been a victim for three years of something that I never thought was possible or even imaginable. My story is a sad one but I'd love to share it in the happiest way that I can. I love life and I used to love life so much more prior to this horrible thing happening to me. I want to share my story today because I have something important to tell.  This is my life and the daily trials and tribulations that I have been dealing with in recovering from my stroke.