I'm feeling very discouraged and sad. I don't know which way to turn because everything seems to be turning out wrong. I hate to sound negative but negativity seems in abundance. I feel tremendously frustrated. Although I know there are many blessings, and even some are in abundance, at the moment the blessings are hard to find. 

Those around me are challenging me to continue walking yet another step. 

I simply don't know what to do. 

Should I move to the left? Or to the right? Or straight ahead? Yes, there is not one direction that appears to be correct and sadness for me is in abundance. I love to laugh and play heartily and show off the smile that god blessed me with but right now what I feel is tremendous pain in my feet from the neuropathy. And pain is something that is right at my doorstep, at pretty much every turn.

I need to find deliverance from the pain I have and I don't know how to get rid of it.

God, please answer my prayer. I need freedom from the hardships that I have from having a massive stroke, from having my achilles tendon stripped and partially removed, from having my right kidney removed, from the removal of my thyroid and all that these surgeries left me with and without. And so many more things that no one would believe me if I told them. Oh Lord, please give me direction on this day. Thank you. Amen

Don't Forget to Unpack Your Smile

Don't forget to unpack your smile when you travel to wherever you are going this Christmas season. As I was speaking to my mother, who is now in her mid 80's, I realized that she needed to unpack her smile and not only did she need to do that but it was a reminder to me to do the same. There are so many people suffering from monetary losses in this season (myself included) and it is very frustrating and difficult to imagine how quickly money can fly out the door before we even notice that the wind was blowing.  Meanwhile, I'm working at holding strong to my ideals of remaining in good spirits this Christmas season. Lets all remember that a smile is only one little laugh away.  

I found from a recent animation movie, a bee is not supposed to bee able to fly. 

But it does. As I sit on my lonely bench, I realize how many other things are not supposed to bee what they are. It is fascinating to ponder how many other possibilities are out there that we, as mankind, don't believe can happen.

To me it is a wonderful leap of joy that nature offers us in it's lovely, simple way.  The beauty of the bee buzzing, the sound of snow falling, the ocean waves crashing, and the splendor of a sunrise all give me hope and inspiration for the arrival of another day.

The Delight of a Sunset

I'd like to speak about sunsets and what they mean to me. I have enjoyed the optimism from a sunset view many times. A special man asked me: What do you see or what do you feel when you look at the sunset in the distance? I responded that the sunset brings me joy and a subtle happy feeling that I cannot describe in any other way but that it feels like that warmth of that sunset climbs into my being and rests there so as to remind me that god is always present in and around me at all times. 

He said that if I remember this feeling I will always be a happy person. It is really just as simple as that. If I remember these basic instructions then I will be a delighted and blissful lady.  I send you blessings of this special knowledge on this day and everyday to follow. 

Life After Stroke Chapter One

Hello, listener, I write to you from the beautiful Island of Maui. In fact, I call it "my Maui" almost as though I have some kind of ownership of her. Silly, I suppose, isn't it? But I am not alone in my daydreams about who many of us call "Mother Maui". And this is a bit of my story.

I had a stroke three years ago and it left me unable to read or write or speak or just about anything at all. If you close your eyes you can try to imagine what it's like to go from a very active person to one who is trying to figure out where her hands, and her feet and her limbs are.

At first it seemed like it was just not that big of a deal. But as time moved along and the healing continued I suddenly realized that my life had no resemblance to the life that I had known for the previous thirty years.  In short what had happened to me was that I was left after having a coma and I didn't really understand anything that I had just been through although I knew that what had happened was major. 

Through time I've realized that nearly all of my friends have disappeared and sadness has become a very constant and lonely friend. Yes, this friend would become my constant companion albeit not the companion of my choice, but the companion of my life. Most people remarked about how well I was doing, how wonderful I looked, and all I could say in response was a nod and "Yeah, sure. Thanks."  As I understand it now, it's very difficult for people to comprehend the enormity of what has happened to me and therefore so very hard to empathize.

In fact, even in the writing of this paragraph I'm noticing how painful it is to go back there and to speak about it as it has been such a long and difficult journey. In a way, I felt like I needed to light candles to find my way out and I am still using that dim light to find my way now.  Truly unbelievable. So you can see that from where I am now, I have really come such a long way. I can now see fairly well, I can speak as though I never had any problems at all, I am very mobile and in fact I am now able to walk and I am even able to use a walker device which is awesome as it has helped me become very mobile. Unfortunately, I still am living in a body that causes me tremendous pain and I still cannot read or write, nor can I see much beyond my immediate self. 

However, I am so very, very blessed to be amongst my family who still really loves and cares for me. 

I will be writing more information in my future blogs as to how my recovery is going and I pray that I will remember all the good things and surround myself with those people who are encouraging, uplifting, supportive, understanding, empathetic, cheerful, and upbeat. ☺

CHRISTMAS IS COMING!!☆

So kids (grown and young at heart) are you gettin' ready for the big Day? ✍ Or are you feeling positively overwhelmed by what may seem like a freight train coming  that you will obviously not be ready for? 

Well, all I can tell you is I, Tara, am feeling exactly the same way. I am getting close to feeling completely overwhelmed and positively not ready because it seems that the expectations are so great and I feel that I can't possibly fulfill everyone's dream of their perfect Christmas. 

Well, coming from my side of the fence, I absolutely adore Christmas and all the things that come with it, even though some of the things are possibly "over the top". 

Everybody realizes how overly commercialized Christmas has become and I don't think anybody except for the shop owners want that. But here's what I think about it: Christmas is a time for telling people that we love- that we love them. All in all I think it's awesome that people remember the holiday cheer: the eggnog, the scent of Christmas cookies baking in the oven, beautiful twinkling lights large and small, people's best wishes on the holiday cards, strung popcorn, plump Santas and scrawny ones from those underfed Santas ☺

So, to my blog family, who I hope is taking the journey along with me: Hau ole maka hiki ho, best wishes, Mele kalike maka and best of luck to you on creating the most delightful day imaginable - may it be everything you wish for. 

Friends Come and Go

Friends, oh yes, they come and go. This is something I can truly say I know. They offer much love, laughter, intrigue and compassion. They also tend to offer in their own special way, pain when it's time to go. 

I've had so many friends that have been close to me. We have shared the most intimate details of silly times, sad times, and those moments that will never be whispered with anyone again. 

Friends they come and go. Oh yes, I know how they come and go. I've been hurt, I've felt wounded. In fact I've felt as though I might fall with my knees to the floor and pray that the lord will take me out of this painful position and take me on the silver wings of an angel up up and away to where the land is  filled with the song of the nightingale. 

Yes, oh yes, I do truly know the beauty that lies in the pain of a friendship that has come and been lost. But, all in all, I would say to you: isn't it better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved at all? These words, while they do ring true, do not soothe as though they should. However, when all is said and done, I believe that we have such a small and tender hold on this thing we call life that what we must do is to appreciate every second, every minute, every year that we are so blessed to be given. Amen.